July 28

I like to date my writings. I always have and always will. I don’t really question it, it’s just something I do at the moment. Any new idea that pops in my head, I never just shadow it. I let it process in my head, let my thoughts take in the information and store it in some type of container. Never throw away your ideas, even the dumb ones. A bad habit I see myself and friends do is shut down their creative thinking. It might sound so random and dumb, but trust me, those ideas are exercising an intelligent part in your mind.

I strongly believe every human has a beautiful art in themselves. It’s sad to witness others not recognize that. You never know how capable your mind is until you open up to yourself.

I went on a deep search on who I am. It sounds so cliche typing that sentence out, but in the moment, it felt so special. I separated myself from my ego and took a look outside of who I perceive myself as. Easier said than done obviously, but I believe anyone can do it.

We wait for this “moment” or “realization” that will hit us spontaneously in our life. In other words, we wait for a miracle to save us from our current struggles. We lay in the sorrow and assume this is where life is meant to be. We need an escape but we're only hitting dead ends. Just feels like a constant negative motion.

We cannot control the fate that was handed to us; however, we can change our perspective on the situation.

Instead of just doing things for the hell of it, we wait for permission from ourselves and others. Just like childhood, just like a new job, just like everything else. We wait for the thumbs up and are expected to not make a mistake. We have a scary boss looking over our shoulder at all times. We make a mistake, we get a lecture, we proceed to misery. We do a good job, we get no response, we proceed to misery.

If no one is appreciating my efforts, then why am I even trying? What’s the point in even trying if no one cares?

You get these voices in your head but this isn’t you talking, this is our expectations taking the mic.

Expectations are unknowingly one of our worst enemies. Everyone has this made up expectation that they need to succeed, if they don’t, they fail as a human. Bullshit.

I lived almost a decade thinking just like this. Waiting for the approval of others. Doing things that would look cool to others. Trying to get the hottest guy so my friends wouldn’t judge. Trying to get all “A’s” so my parents wouldn’t be upset. Tried several sports so I can be the same athletic child like my brother and sister. I failed at all of these things actually.

I tried to be cool and got laughed at by my awkwardness instead. I was obsessed over the same guy that did not want me. I was a straight “C” student. I quit every sport I did.

I tried being someone that others can respect because I couldn’t accept myself.

Kevin Parker has a line in one of his songs that goes, “Waiting for everyone else around to agree might take too long”

Trying to balance expectation and approval within myself was starting to become impossible. I was watching this scale for so long, knowing the expectation was winning, and not doing anything about it.

In order to make the scale even, I had to go against my morals. I had to do things for myself and not care for approval. Face the judgment and let my personal desires shine for once. It feels so selfish yet so needed.

The hardest part in doing any of this was starting. I was waiting for the “moment”. I tried looking for it in everything. In music, in nature, in books, in every inch in the universe. Believe me, I was in this head space for years, waiting for god to come down from the heavens and show me my path. Waiting for him, watching the clock, not knowing exactly when the time will come. I could wait forever if I needed to.

Maybe the lesson being handed to me right now is things don’t come naturally, you have to work for it. But I already heard this lesson, millions of times before, never worked. What if I changed it to “things don’t come naturally, you just try and understand the nature of it.” Sounds much better. I should try to just accept that I am waiting and I have been waiting for a while. I should try to accept that waiting forever is wrong. I should try to accept that I should do something about this. I should try and accept that I’m wasting time.

(Notice I changed it to ‘try' and 'should”. Don’t let the mean boss seem too demanding. It’s just you in your head, no one else)

If I looked everywhere and it’s not here, then it must not be true. It’s just something I am telling myself to make myself feel better.

I have to admit, my mind is actually smart for tricking me into thinking there was hope. My mind had me physically searching. A thought that took over my body, emotionally and physically. Maybe my inner thoughts can control my life more than I thought they can. I searched everywhere but myself. Sounds kinda silly. It’s like trying to search for your glasses but they were on top of your head the whole time. Searching around the house everywhere, not checking the one spot they would be.

I started to rub my eyes a little bit more and saw more clearly. This was an adventure on finding how to better myself, and I did it for myself. It’s important to recognize these little accomplishments. Try not to shut down every thought and maybe look into yourself more. You might find something that you lost a while ago, and forgot to look in the one place, yourself. You will learn more things about yourself than you thought. Sooner or later, it becomes a new understanding on how to live life. Best part is, there is no judgment from others, because it is just you. Just your thoughts, your story, your findings, your art.

We talked about expectations and we learned that you should not be influenced by it. It’s not always the sharpest tool to use. You have something much more powerful in your life that puts you on the right path, which is not others, itself. Once you deeply realize this fact, your ideas and art become unstoppable.

The little objectives that it took me to get to this point, such as music, writing, books, was seen as a negative conflict. It felt like such a waste of time in the moment, however, this was another critical aspect towards growth to be recognized. I went out of my way to try and understand myself. Doing these things actually made me learn a lot. I was not being patient. I was expecting for some type of “moment” to happen. Even though I did not realize it in the present moment, I was seeing too far ahead. This idea is something I will talk more about in another blog post.

In the beginning of writing this, I stated that I like to write the date. Not understanding why I do, I just do. I just let every thought and idea feel important. I typed this whole page, not expecting what to write. Not letting judgment come in my thoughts. Knowing my main goal is trying to write something people can relate too. Even though it was not an ideal sentence starter, I did not allow my judgment to gain control. This is a challenge I want you to try and do frequently. Let a random idea come across your head. Allow yourself to digest this creative aspect and give yourself credit for doing so. Forget the judgment and expectation. Write it down, maybe even pursue it. It’s not impossible, I just did it.

Recognize the judgment from your thoughts when you decide to create something, say thank you, and shoo them away. Letting in judgment and expectation, will become a constant flow in your head. Whatever you allow to be true in your head, will become reality. This is a scientific fact, it’s called the Power of Attraction.

I want to note that if you are reading this post to find steps in finding yourself, this is not the right way to do it. My words and ideas are sharing my beliefs. We all see life differently. None of us look at life in the same ways. To “find yourself” is explained already in the saying. Look within yourself and then see what you learn. Everything that you want to learn is within you, no one else.